From Dawn to Dusk... the journal |
one woman's journey a day at a time "to touch the cup with eager lips and taste not drain it" |
grow old along with me the best is yet to be... |
fishing at last! |
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Friday, October 4, 2002 * action/reaction... Yesterday morning while waiting on Lili, I went to the doctor's. Decided that I was tired of fooling around with this low grade fever that seemed to be hanging around (99 - 100), my 'hot' throat (not sore or scratchey, but hot), and a nagging headache in my neck and head... It's been on again off again for about 2 weeks. One day I'm fine, the next - yucky. Naturally yesterday I felt fine, thus foolish going to the doctor's. He did a throat swab for Strep - negative. Great, I thought. As I knew if it was Strep, I'd need antibiotics and I don't like antibiotics. However, he did tell me that he wanted me to take Biaxin which is a Rx antibiotic. I told him that I'd rather not take it if I really don't need it. He looked at me and said, "I want you to TAKE THIS. Tell me you're going to take it?" I thought, hey, don't get pushy on me... but told him that I would take it (at least one and see...). It's not that I want to be obstinate, it's just that I believe that your body can overcome most illnesses on it's own - given time and common sense. Things sometimes just need to run their course. Another thing that happened is he asked me how the cancer situation was. I told him that I'd just had my 2 year check up with the BS and the Oncologist and all seemed to be fine. He said something like great, then we'll just consider you a normal healthy person who just happened to have cancer at one time... I said, sure, whatever... Now I know that he was trying to be uplifting... and I appreciate that. But the truth be known, nothing changes the fact that it was there and could still be there... only biding it's time. You can forget it (to a point) and get on with your life (which you do), but life can never be the same (kind of like 911) as you are no longer the same. I was trying to create a visual image in my mind of how it makes me feel to know that I have/had cancer. The best I could come up with was: Picture an egg (you are that egg). Now picture something making a chink in that egg - not a crack, but just a single hole. It's there. It won't go away. You can live with it there. But every 6 months they check to see if the hole has gotten larger, if there are more holes, or if any cracks have formed (because the integrity of the egg has been compromised). So you hold your breath. Eventually (if you're lucky) they will stop checking. Doesn't mean that the danger has passed. Only that chances are that since it hasn't happened in the first 5 years, it probably won't. But it still could. I guess like 911, we are forever changed... but it's important to go on and live our lives without being fearful of what the future holds. And we probably appreciate all that we do have a bit more than before... OK.. wasn't planning to go there. Sometimes my fingers just type as the thoughts flow... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Update: Didn't get to run to Beacon Light yesterday to ride the storm out in the lighthouse - what with the doctor's appointment and Mama's errands. Ended up staying in the Real World for most of the day. But Lili missed Texas pretty much... and all at home in Louisiana got through her fairly well in so far as I've heard. Could have been a lot worse... Rian |
